Stuff you say in your head.

Friends for 5 to 10

I know who my real friends are; they’re the ones that would help me bury the body.

Smells good!

Without fail, every time I walk down the street and catch wind of a delicious smell, it turns out I’m about to pass a dumpster. 

It Ever Cross Your Mind?

I never once thought about having sex with someone who wore Crocs.

DS

MOMMY! I WANT…

I love kids but you should be able to hit them. Not punch or kick but open-hand slap. And not babies. They should be at least 6 or so. Yeah… I could have used one to the face at that age, probably would have straightened me right out.

Fat-tastic!

My heart fills with such joy when girls from high school that were totally hot are now totally fat!

Lunch

I am going to get the Double Down from KFC. What do they know? It looks good.

Optimism

Some people would look at that windowless blue van and see a possible rapist. I look at that windowless blue van and see a possible Tony Micelli.

Dirty Dreams

Do you ever have a sex dream that is so crazy, so inappropriate and so, so hot that you can’t tell anyone about it because they will surely judge you?

Gym rat

I’m one of those people that unashamedly stares at themselves at the gym while lifting weights. Please don’t start lifting right in front of me dude, I need to be able to watch myself or I don’t want to work out at all.

Eggcellent Cooking Skills

How many days can I use this this frying pan to cook eggs in every morning before I wash it?